Here’s our collection of some of the best insults heard during our visits.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
A
Air Force on rival Army – Air Force, like the Army, but for smart people.
Akron on rival Kent State – Why do Kent State grads put their diplomas in their windshield? So they can park in handicap spots.
Alabama on rival Auburn University – I see your Toomer’s Corner photos and raise you my middle finger.
Appalachian State on rival Georgia Southern – Why did the Georgia Southern alum cross the road? The better question is why is he out of jail.
Arkansas on rival Ol’ Miss – Biff and Buffy, two Ol’ Miss students were bragging on campus one day after completing a puzzle that took them two years to complete. Another student says “It took you almost two years to complete that blasted puzzle and you’re proud of that?” Biff replied “You’re damn right! It said ‘up to 4 years’ on the box.”
Arkansas State on rival La. Monroe – La Monroe says “Put a ball down” but that’s only so that they can steal it.
Army on rival Navy – I don’t always talk to Annapolis grads, but when I do, I order large fries.
Arizona on rival Arizona State – “So do you say ‘Arizona State University,’ or do you say ‘HPVU’? (Credit to Ted2)
Arizona State on rival Arizona – Q: How many Wildcat fans does it take to eat dinner? A: Three, one to eat and two to watch for cars.
B
Baylor on rival Texas Christian University – How can you tell a TCU fan is on location at a drilling rig? He’s the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
Boston College on rival Notre Dame – What’s the only thing worse than a Notre Dame fan, a Notre Dame alum.
Bowling Green on rival Toledo – Why is the wind so bad in Bowling Green? Because Toledo sucks!
University of Buffalo on rival Buffalo State College – Hey Buff State, at least we are Division 1.
Brigham Young University on rival Utah – Q: How do you tell the difference between a BYU coed and a Utah coed? A. The Cougar coed is looking for a husband. The Utes coed is looking for the father.
C
California on rival Stanford – There was a group of Stanford science students that wanted to send a probe to the sun, but some Cal students said that was impossible and that the probe would burn up long before reaching the sun. The Cardinal replied that they planned to send the probe at night.
UNC Charlotte on rival Marshall – Hey Marshall, don’t make fun of Norm the Niner. At least he’s smart enough to mine for gold and not coal.
Cincinnati on rival University of Miami, Ohio – What’s the first thing a freshman asks when he gets to Oxford? “So which way to South Beach?” The stupid thing is that half of them stay and graduate.
Clemson on rival University of South Carolina – What’s the only sign of intelligent life in Columbia? Clemson 187 miles.
Connecticut on rival University of Massachusetts – Q: Why don’t girls play hide and seek at U. Mass.? A: No one would look for them.
University of Colorado on rival Colorado State – What’s the biggest lie Cam the Ram ever told? “I was just helping that sheep over the fence.”
Colorado State on rival University of Colorado – What did the Colorado female say after sex? “Get off me Dad, you’re crushing my smokes.”
D
Delaware (FCS) on rival Villanova University – Insult Villanova? Isn’t living in Philly bad enough?
Duke University on rival East Carolina University – Teach a child the ABCs . . . Anybody But Carolina . . .
E
East Carolina on rival University of Southern Mississippi – What’s the most popular pick up line at Southern Miss? Nice Tooth!
F
Florida Atlantic on rival Florida International University – Isn’t FIU’s 44-107 cumulative win-loss record insulting enough?
Florida International on rival Florida Atlantic University – FAU – Where the football team guarantees the best marketing and public relationship internships in the country
Florida on rival Florida State – As Mark Rubio said of FSU, “There has to be a school where people that can’t get into Florida go to college”
Florida State on rival University of Florida – What is the difference between a Gator and a Rice Crispies? Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.
Fresno State on San Jose State University – San Jose State University: Powering Silicon Valley, emptying their trash, cleaning their toilets . . .
G
Georgia State on rival South Alabama – Q: Why do South Alabama fans smell so bad? A: So blind people can hate them too.
Georgia Tech on rival University of Georgia – Did you hear about the Tech student who couldn’t hack it so he transferred to UGA? Average IQ at both schools went up.
H
Hawaii on rival Air Force – What’s the difference between an Air Force Pilot and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Houston on rival Rice University – What’s the difference between a Rice Owl and a mosquito? A: A mosquito eventually stops sucking.
I
Idaho on rival University of Montana – Two University of Montana students were standing under the bridge on each side of the Clark Fork River looking at each other. One yells across to the other “Hey how did you get to the other side?” The other one yells back “You’re already on the other side!”
Illinois on rival Northwestern – Northwestern a rival? We have more National Championships than they have bowl wins, and that includes the Pinstripe and Music City Bowls.
Iowa on rival Iowa State – How can you tell it is Homecoming weekend at Ames? The cheerleaders have braided their armpit hair.
Iowa State on rival University of Iowa – ANF (America Needs Farmers)? The only Iowa grads that go to farms are the IU Law graduates foreclosing on the family farm.
K
Kent State on rival Akron – Screw the Roo.
L
Louisiana Lafayette on rival Louisiana Monroe – What do a Monroe native and a bottle of beer have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
Louisiana Monroe on rival Louisiana Lafayette – What’s the difference between Lafayette and Yogurt? Yogurt has an active living culture.
Louisiana Tech on rival Southern Miss – What will you never hear a Southern Miss grad say? So, I have reviewed your application…
Louisville on rival University of Kentucky – How does a Kentucky fan count to 10? 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4 . . .
LSU on rival Ole Miss – Things you will never hear an Ole Miss fan say: “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1,000, Alex”
M
Massachusetts on rival U Conn – What happens when an UConn fan takes viagra? He gets taller.
Marshall on rival Ohio University – What do you call a good looking girl on the Ohio University campus? A visitor.
Maryland on rival University of Virginia – Johnny says to his mom: “I want to be a Wahoo when I grow up.” Mom: “But Johnny, you can’t do both”.
University of Miami on rival Florida State University – What do you call a trailer park surrounded by a brick wall? Doak Campbell Stadium.
Miami (OH) on rival Ohio University – Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Ohio University campus? A: A visitor.
Memphis on rival Louisville – Louisville, where your scholarship includes tuition, room, board and hookers!
Michigan on rival Ohio State – What’s a Buckeye? A nut that cracks under pressure.
Michigan State on rival University of Michigan – If there are three college graduates in a room, how do you know which one went to Michigan? Wait a minute . . . they’ll tell you.
Mississippi State University on rival University of Mississippi – Q: Why did the Mississippi regents decide to cover Vaught-Hemingway Stadium in cardboard? A: Because the Rebels always look better on paper.
N
Navy on rival Army – Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to change a tire? A: Just one, but he gets four hours’ credit and it counts as a lab science!
New Mexico State on rival UTEP – What is the capacity of UTEP’s Sun Bowl? No one knows because they have never filled it.
North Carolina on rival Duke – How many Duke football players does it take to change a tire? Three: Two to go get beer and one to call dad back in New Jersey.
Northwestern on rival Illinois – Did you hear about the power outage at the Illinois library? Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
North Carolina State on rival University of North Carolina – How do you keep a Tar Heel football player out of your backyard? Put up a goal post.
North Texas on rival UTSA – You know you go to UTSA if you see more people wearing other University t-shirts instead of UTSA.
Notre Dame on rival USC – Remember, you can’t spell TROJANS without OJ.
O
Ohio State University on rival Michigan – Can’t get into college? Why not try Michigan?
Old Dominion on rival William & Mary – So you got John Stewart, big deal.
University of Oklahoma on rival Oklahoma State – Q: I once heard this joke about an OSU coach firing a contractor over the t-shirt he was wearing….oh wait, that actually happened.
Oklahoma State on rival University of Oklahoma – Did you hear about the new honor system at OU? Yes, your Honor. No, your honor.
Ol’ Miss on rival Mississippi State – What does a Mississippi State Bulldog call an Ol’ Miss alumni in five years? Boss
Oregon on rival Oregon State – Why did Oregon State change their name to Beavers? They got tired of being called pussies.
Oregon State on rival Oregon – How many Ducks does it take to change a light bulb. None, Phil Knight just builds a new building.
P
Penn State on rival Pitt – Pitt is sh*t.
Pitt on rival Penn State – If you can’t go to college, go to State.
Purdue on rival Indiana University – How do you get a Hoosier off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
R
Rice on rival University of Houston – University of Houston? It’s not bad if you can’t get into HCC.
Rutgers on rival Syracuse University – Why are people depressed when leaving Syracuse? Because to leave Syracuse, you have to be in Syracuse.
S
San Jose State on rival Fresno State – Why did the Lady Bulldog marry her burro? Because at Fresno State they take their animal husbandry seriously.
South Alabama on rival Troy – Troy is so small, their marathon is a 5k.
South Carolina on rival Clemson – What is the difference between a Clemson cheerleader and a catfish? One has whiskers and smells – the other is a fish.
South Florida on rival University of Central Florida – Why are there always UCF students trying to get tickets in front of their stadium? They keep using the Pizza Hut coupon on the back of the ticket on their way to the game.
SMU on rival TCU – Q: Why did God invent armadillos? A: So that TCU fans can have ‘possum on the half shell.
Southern Miss on rival La. Tech – How is a La. Tech divorce the same as a tornado? Both of them mean someone is going to lose a trailer.
Stanford on rival Cal – How many UC Berkeley students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. 1 to screw the light bulb, 25 to organize a protest for the light bulb’s right not to light, and 74 to organize a counter protest.
Syracuse on rival PSU – Why is the PSU Basketball program so bad? To take the heat off the football team.
T
TCU on rival SMU – SMU, the best team money can buy? The dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Temple on rival Rutgers – Rutgers to the Big 10? They can’t even beat us.
Tennessee on rival Alabama – What do a maggot and an Alabama fan have in common? They can both live off of a dead bear for 20 years.
Texas on rival Texas A&M: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at all Aggie weddings? To keep the flies off the bride.
Texas A&M on rival University of Texas – Book ‘Em Horns.
Texas State on rival UTSA – Why does UTSA play in Alamo Bowl? Because they know the home team can lose at the Alamo and it is still okay.
Texas Tech on rival Texas – What do they say about the University of Texas football player who turns pro? He took a pay cut.
Toledo on rival Bowling Green State University – Why did the BGSU State football player stare into the refrigerator for two hours? The can in the freezer said “orange concentrate”.
Troy on rival South Alabama: Not only is South Alabama’s program lacking any real traditions, it is so young that there aren’t even any good insults for them either.
Tulane on rival Southern Miss – Q: What’s the difference between a Southern Miss. diploma and toliet paper? A: About $80,000 a sheet.
Tulsa on rival Houston – Q: Where do U of H students go on Spring Break. A: Anywhere cooler than Houston, like the surface of the sun.
U
University of Alabama Birmingham on rival Southern Miss – A USM grad Buford and his wife were sitting at the table eating their dinner when the phone rang. The wife picked up the phone and “Hey maw, how are you? I certainly will tell Buford you said hi.” She then turned to Buford and said “Maw, says hi”
University of Central Florida on rival University of South Florida – USF, sure they own the series but they’ve been ducking us since 2009.
UCLA on rival USC – What’s the difference between a litter of puppies and USC fans? Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining.
UMass on rival University of Connecticut – What happens when an UConn fan takes Viagra? He gets taller.
UNC Charlotte on rival Marshall – Hey Marshall, don’t make fun of Norm the Niner, At least he’s smart enough to mine for gold and not coal.
University of Southern California on rival UCLA – A security guard at the Rose Bowl notices two UCLA fans climbing a fence. The guard grabs them by the collars and says, “Now just get back in there and watch the game until it finishes.”
Utah on BYU – It would have been more accurate if the Latter-Day Saints had named the school after Orson Pratt, then it would have been OPU!
UTEP on rival New Mexico State – New Mexico State fans have learned to follow football the way physicists once watched the first A-bomb test at nearby Alamogordo—from a safe distance because no one wants to get contaminated. (Credit: J. Garrity SI)
UTSA on rival North Texas – At North Texas they have had only one good player so they named the team after him.
V
Virginia on rival Virginia Tech – What does a Tech student need to have a seven course meal? A possum and a six pack.
Virginia Tech on rival University of Virginia – How many Cavaliers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one: he holds it and the world revolves around him.
W
Wake Forest on rival Vanderbilt University – How many Vandy sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Eighteen. One to call maintenance, two to watch him do it during the catered lunch, and 15 to make a shirt about the event.
Washington State on rival Washington – How many Huskies does it take to change a tire? Two, one to change the tire and the other to hold the wine spritzers.
West Virginia on rival Va Tech: Pitt sucks, but Va Tech swallows.
Wyoming on rival Colorado State: What’s the biggest lie Cam The Ram ever told? “I was just helping that sheep over the fence.